In our never-ending quest to make this rag pay for itself, we are constantly on the lookout for new sources of income. Over the years we have looked into a number of possible ventures, most of which required hard work, long hours or a sizable financial investment, any of which would get them quickly rejected. What we were really looking for was a business that had no start-up costs, no overhead, and required little or no effort on our part, yet would provide a steady source of income. There had to be a lot of these businesses out there but we just couldn’t think of one.

Then last month, while driving around town listening to the radio, an idea jumped into our heads. Not an original idea, (we’ve never had one of those), but one that fit all of our criteria. Why not start a business naming stars after people and their pets? After all, there is an endless supply of stars out there just waiting to be named, and hopefully, enough people willing to part with some cash in order to have one named for them to make the whole thing work. And thus begins the “Critter Chatter Star Naming Service”.

Just about everyone has friends, loved ones or pets who would be thrilled to have a star named for them, and of course you will want to name one for yourself. What a thrill it will be to look up into the sky on any night, weather permitting, and gaze out into the vast expanse of the Milky Way knowing that somewhere out there one of those stars has your name on it, and another is named for your pet.

The price for naming a star is a low, low $25.00 per star. We also offer a group or family rate of five stars for $100.00, a tidy little savings. Larger groups can be negotiated separately. Call for details.

Names will be recorded in a spiral-bound notebook and kept on a shelf in our office “in perpetuity”, which is a long time, or until it gets in the way and someone throws it out, whichever comes first.

Payment can be in the form of a check, which should be made out to our official name, Critters Are Stars in the Heavens, or to save space just use the letters of our acronym, C.A.S.H. If you wish, you can always send U.S. currency, which is accepted everywhere. You will receive an official looking certificate, stating the name of the star and where it can be located, that is suitable for framing and will look great on the wall.

Don’t delay, call today. Remember, as with real estate, star location is everything. The best stars will go fast. You don’t want to find yourself having to accept a star located in a less desirable area of the galaxy. Be among the first to have a star named for you or your pet, and watch your friends turn green with envy. Operators are waiting, so call now.

It would be really embarrassing for all involved if anyone were to actually take this seriously. On the remote chance that someone is reaching for a checkbook, please put it away, or since you are in a check writing mood, why not make it out to one of the local rescue groups, who can all use the money. If however, you were about to put cash in the envelope, please continue. Your certificate is on the way.